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"Punxsutawney Phil"
Rodent Weather Prognosticator/vermin
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I'll be up front with everyone reading this,
winter turns me into a quivering mass of sissified jelly.
At nearly 300 lbs., that's a mental picture most folks just
don't want to get. Although at 300 lbs., I am only 40% body
fat...just ask Pam
Brooks, I am a mean lean machine!
I don't like the cold, I don't like the
shorter days, I don't enjoy the folks that spew forth about
"loving the change of the seasons(!)".
If there is anything more irritating than
the wintertime, it's the yearly ritual where we collectively
throw off the shackles of our technology and for one day let
a rodent predict the weather for months to come. Forget the
Weather Channel! It's called Groundhog Day, the rodent's
name is "Punxsutawney Phil". (that is the last time
I will try and type that name, so hereafter he will be referred
to as "Phil") So every year Phil looks out his gopher
hole and either sees his shadow...or not. How Phil lets his
handlers know if he saw his shadow or not is one of those
great mysteries, like "who really built the Pyramids?"
or "why is there an Interstate Highway in Hawaii?".
I've been trying for years to figure out the progression:
1. Groundhog sees shadow => There's sunlight =>
Sunny day in February => LONGER WINTER?!
2. Groundhog doesn't see shadow => It's overcast
=> Dreary weather in February => SPRING COMES EARLY?!
Whatever! Phil's 2006 prediction
is out. Go back to your hole now.
Heck, my dog Chuck can predict the weather,
too. If he comes back home sooner than 10 minutes from outside,
then it's too damn cold.
Still, every year I find my blood boiling
when Phil predicts 6 more weeks of winter, just because by
that time I'm so sick of winter that I could bite a pig. Where
I come from, we stick garden hoses down gopher holes...AND
WORSE.
Let's Cook
Something!
Buck's "Super" Ground Hog
By incredible coincidence, February contains
both Groundhog Day AND the Super Bowl. To honor this incredible
confluence of events, I have come up with an incredible creation
that honors both...in a tasty and inventive way! I call it
Buck's "Super" Ground Hog, which combines
the form of a groundhog with ground pork (pigskin, football...get
it?). You won't find this recipe in the Glutenfreeda Recipe
Archives, although it is based on meatloaf. Any of the
tasty and gluten free meatloaf
recipes in the archives will do. What a grand addition
to your Superbowl
Munchies spread!
Let's get started!
| Step 1: Pick your favorite
meatloaf recipe from the archives,
and mix up your meatloaf in a very large bowl. For my
hog, I'm using ground pork and a slight variation on "Louisiana
Meatloaf". |
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| Step 2: Here's where it
gets difficult, unless you are a master sculptor like
me! Take your meatloaf base mixture and carefully sculpt
it into the form of a groundhog. It's really not as hard
as it looks, and it's kind of fun! |
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| Step 3: In food sculpting,
the details are everything...be creative! I used black
olives for the eyes and pine nuts for his incy-weensie
claws! |
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| Step 4: Cook the little
rascal as directed in the recipe...depending on how large
your groundhog is may vary the cooking time! Use your
meat thermometer to make sure you cook him all the way
through! Once he is done, add your own distinctive presentation
flourishes! I put some nuts in his front paws and placed
him on a platter amidst my Mom's festive dining table
here just to give you an idea! |
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Imagine the look on your buddies faces
when they see this at your Super Bowl party! It's adorable,
delicious and quite the conversation piece!
Buck's Super Bowl Prognostication
As long as were on the subject of predicting
things or "prognosticating" (yes, I like to repeat
big words as often as possible to appear to be a brighter
bulb than I really am), I thought I'd throw in my pick for
the big game. Whether you prefer "super bowl" or
"SUPERBOWL XL!", every boneheaded male in
America feels it's a necessary part of manhood to make their
pick, and since I definitely fall into one or the other, or
possibly even both of those categories, here's my take on
the BIG GAME.
First of all, I'm a Texas Longhorn fanatic,
which of course is college football. I care little ablout
anything else, so this game could be the Provo Lampreys vs.
the Albany Albinos and it would all be the same to me. Both
of the teams' coaches remind me of my high school algebra
teacher, Mr. Fleschmann...hateful, screaming, spray in your
face, bellicose pretenders of men. The best possible outcome
would be to put Mr. Cowher and Mr. Holmgren out in the middle
of the field, set up a wrestling ring, dress them in ballet
skirts and let them duke it out. Of course that won't happen,
but I can dream, can't I?
Anyways, while you're watching the BIG
GAME, have some Hurricane
Chili...it is way past awesome! And oh yeah, Pittsburgh
31, Seattle 24. For you Seahawks "12th Men"
or whatever you call yourselves, get over it. AFC crushes
NFC like rock crushes scissors, like Judas Priest crushes
KISS. If I'm wrong I will eat crow next month like a real
man...no hiding!
Keep eatin'! - Buck
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Editor's
note/disclaimer:
Although fairly docile and strangely cream-puff-like for such
a brutish, bald shaven man of nearly 300 pounds, do not taunt
Buck. Do not call him "Uncle Buck", "Buck Rogers",
"Buck Shot" or any other derivative of his first
name. Words can hurt, and these words hurt Buck very much.
Thank you.
If
you have any feedback for Buck, you may e-mail him at
this address. Please allow a certain amount of time for
Buck to respond, as he does not own a computer of his own
and has to share his e-mail with his mother (whom he lives
with). She spends 90% of her waking moments on a scrapbooking
chat group, along with other support groups that deal with
issues involved when your children RETURN home in their 30's.
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