Buck Walters, Men's Cuisine Analyst, reporting
I see this month the Glutenfreeda gals feature
an article on a Chili
Cook-Off. Reminds me of the time I got roped into judging
one of these things.
It was a couple of years ago, me and Wally
were just hanging out watching a 'Flying Nun' rerun, waiting
for the mail to bring what I hoped would be my unemployment
check, so we could go down to the fairgrounds and for $5 eat
some chili at some chili cook-off they were holding.
Well, the gov'ment, as usual is prompt as
could be, just as they are with the free cheese giveaways,
so we ventured forth into the capsaicin consumptionfest with
the utmost anticipation of some chilibeans and brews!
I'm not gonna lie to you, I was packing
some Tums, cuz I'm a bit of a sissy when it comes to spicy
stuff (my doctor
says I'm 'pre-ulcerous', at least that's what my L & I
claim says), and anything hotter than, say Taco Bell Medium
sends me into digestive Hades. We won't be going into too
many details about that, as I have been told that mentions
of any sorts of "excretions" are 'verboten'
on a food website, which I can get into as a concept.
So we get down to the fairgrounds, and as
soon as we get out of the truck, we see our old friend Gary,
who comes immediately over and tells us that he's a judge
for the chili cookoff, and that his friend Billy-Bob, who
was supposed to be another judge, was called into work to
do some lawn edging for the mowing company he works for, and
would we like to sit in and be judges in his place? I tell
him, "heck no, were just here to have lunch, dude."
He says: "I have free judges passes to the beer tent."
I say: "Well, why didn't you just say so, bro?"
And so it began, a day that will live in digestive infamy,
and detailed thusly:
of all, I had a hard time with the concept of chili WITHOUT
beans, which most of the entries featured. Does Hormel make
a chili without beans? Probably, but it ain't what I would
call good eatin'!
And what's the big deal with the one-upsmanship
of making this stuff hotter than the next guy? Sure, if you
add glass pack mufflers to your truck, it might be louder
than your neighbor's, but does that make it a better rig?
There comes a certain point where you just can't taste
anymore, and no amount of beer will relieve the sensation
that your mouth has been wrenched open to receive the spewings
of Mount Vesuvius.
What follows is a transcript from my judges
scorecard (with the naughty words excised, because as I filled
out my scorecard, I was in some pretty serious agony, and
had about 1000 delicious Budweiser's to relieve my pain.),
and following the Glutenfreeda editorial demands, any references
to bodily functions and/or naughty words will be replaced
by the word 'SALAMI'.
|Chili Name / Chef:
||Judge's (Buck's) Comments: (Scores
from 1-10, 10 being the most intense)
Esophogus Corroding Chile Verde
||This actually wasn't too bad for starters,
the green stuff was actually milder than the reds, which
was opposite of what I expected. Tangy finish, topped
off with a few Budweisers.
Score: Taste 7, Heat 5
Red Devil Tongue Torture
||This was great to start with, and I
wolfed down the first few spoonfuls with elan, soon discovering
that it had a heat that crept up on you gradually...by
the time it was finished I felt like I had a red hot poker
laying across my tongue. First rumblings in my stomach...topped
off with a few Budweisers, and a couple of Tums.
Score: Taste 7, Heat 6
Primal Rage Red Envy Chili
||The first of the all HEAT, no TASTE
competitors, this bowl of steaming 'SALAMI' was like
boiling a few bottles of Tabasco sauce and serving it
with some hamburger...even for me, this was the most vile
swill imaginable, yet I saw dozens of people lining up
to have seconds and thirds of this 'SALAMI'. Topped
this puppy off with a few Budweisers, and a couple of
Score: Taste 0, Heat 10
Pear Down Your Throat Chile Colorado
||Sounded interesting to start with,
'cuz I thought this would be be made by a real Mexican
(whose food I generally have the highest regard for),
but I found out that 'Pancho' was really a dude named
Earl from Cleveland whose name should really have been
'Paunch'. Man I love my Swisher Sweets as much as the
next guy, but smoking them over the chili pot was a negative
from the get-go. As a sidenote, this 'stuff tasted like
'SALAMI', and afterwards I had the first of what would
be several 'SALAMIS'. Heat unbelievable, sweat pouring
off my forehead like the lettuce at Piggly Wiggly's produce
section. Topped this 'SALAMI' off with a few Budweisers,
a couple of Tums and some Kaopectate.
Score: Taste 0, Heat 10
5 Alarm Chile
||By this time, either the Bud's, Tums
or Kaopectate or the vile conconctions I had consumed
had combined in my system into some hallucinogenic compound....patterns
swirled around the beer tent, I imagined twisted scenes
of Darth Vader and Scarlett Johanssen having formal English
Tea together. This chili was however not concocted by
Charles Manson the famous psycho-man, but a guy who looked
like Don Knotts with a goatee. Topped this slime off with
a few Budweisers. 'SALAMIS' one right after another
at this point, close to the point of not giving a 'SALAMI'
one way or the other.
Score: Taste 0, Heat 20
|Pol Pot's Colon
||I want my Mommy. I guess it wasn't
enough that the compounded fury of the jalapeno, serrano,
red chile, green chile and its other pepper friends were
offered up, but now some Asian pepper based chilis were
on the menu. Actually tasted pretty good, but about halfway
through my sample bowl I was overwhelmed. My gut was rumbling
like I had a weasel in my abdomen. Wally said I looked
like I'd just seen Elvis. If you have ever seen the cherry
pie eating sequence from the movie 'Stand by Me', then
you'd visualize what happened next. Everything then went
black. I woke up hours later at home feeling like I just
spent 8 hours as a kickboxing target, vowing never to
do anything like this again.
Score: Taste 5, Heat 30
Now comes the part where I review my favorite
recipes (hopefully tying into this month's themes) currently
found in the vast Glutenfreeda
burgers! I believe that this is what is consumed in the
hot dogs! I believe that Thor eats these with his Father,
Odin, in Asgaard!
is just what we eats here while were watching Oprah.
Juan de Fuca (Colorado)
me, but does this recipe use the word "Fuca"???
My Mom makes me eat Ivory soap when I talk like that!
& Chorizo Chili
I found out what Chorizo was, I gave this to my dog, Earl.
He loved it.
& Chili Souffle
not EVER use the word "souffle" in the same
sentence with "chili"...that's like putting
the names 'Jeff Gordon' and 'Rudolf Nureyev' together...
This column is 'edited' by Horace
F. Lamprey for grammar and spelling as Buck's skill's
in these areas is at the very best...suspect. The original
intention is kept as close as possible.
Buck's column, although published in Glutenfreeda.com, does
not reflect their values, cuisine preferences, cultural preferences,
mutilation and consumption of antelope and/or wolverines and
is presented here for entertainment purposes and/or filler
material during slow months. Actual consumption of Buck's
recipes may or not cause 1. Upper gastrointestinal failure,
2. Liver failure, 3. Bladder incontinence, 4. Intense intestinal
cramps in family pets when fed the unconsumed portions that
Buck has not consumed hisself.
Does anyone really read this fine print? If you do, Buck's
Blacow would love to here from you!