Buck Walters Men's Cuisine Analyst

Howdy! It's your ol' buddy Buck here for the second time in as many months! This is about as close as I've come to a real job since, well...the first Clinton Administration (some time I'll tell you the story about Bill and I and the Arkansas Highway Patrol, it's a real knee-slapper!). As I related to you last month, I've been living with my Mom until I find a more upward career path.

I actually do kind of have another job, my buddies down at Sal's Beef & Brews know me as an inventor. In between huntin' trips (more about THAT later, maybe next month) with my buds and tuning my truck, I like to tinker in the garage, attempting to improve man's existence through my inventions, whether it be by solving the dysymetry between impeddle-depressed, panchromatic resonance and other highly ambient domains, or by figuring out a better way to spread butter on a piece of GF toast...that's when I invented Buck's Butter Stick:

Buck's Butter Stick

They say that neccesity is the mother of invention, I say that dragging butter with a knife across a piece of toast can burn your fingers! And it can leave trails of toast crumbs all over your Mom's plastic covered sofa. Even though I am a Man's Man, I don't like bread crumbs all over my overalls! Using a glue stick holder, I cleverly crammed some butter up into it, stuck it into the fridge overnight and whaddya know...Butter Stick!

Buck's "Best Of" Food Related Inventions:
	1. Motorized Ice Cream Cone An inspired idea, probably from someone who suffers the ravages of Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome...why waste your precious wrist and hand turning movements eating an ice cream cone when this clever device can make the ice cream orbit in a precisely equatorial fashion and mess-saving manner? On the negative side, biting into the cone will leave you with a mouthful of humming transistors and a 9 volt battery.
	2. Noodle-Cooler I don't know about you, but every time I have Chinese food it's served up hotter than exhaust manifold. Invented by an asthmatic I'm sure, the Noodle-Cooler is this handy fan that attaches to your chopsticks and cools the surface-of-the-sun hot noodles and oriental food before it has a chance to melt the roof of your mouth. Amazing! The best part is that it is not awkward at all using chpsticks with a desk fan attached to them.
	3. Anti-Eating Face Mask Can't resist the temptation to stuff your face? This product, apparently invented by Hannibal Lecter, is just the thing for you!
	4. Heart Pendant / Jello Mold Guys, nothing goes straight to the heart of women-folk more directly than jewelry...and Jello. I gave one of these to my girlfriend Narine on Valentine's Day. I haven't seen Narine since (something about needing "alone time").
	5. Extension Fork Ever seen something on someone's plate a couple of chairs away that you wanted to try? Well, here you go...
	6. Mashed Potato Popsicles Mashed taters, food coloring, wood sticks and a freezer...it just does not get any easier than this. Well, maybe some gravy? Can you say 'festive'?

Keep eatin'!

- Buck

Editor's note:
This column is 'edited' by Horace F. Lamprey for grammar and spelling as Buck's skill's in these areas is at the very best...suspect. The original intention is kept as close as possible.

Buck's column, although published in Glutenfreeda.com, does not reflect their values, cuisine preferences, cultural preferences, mutilation and consumption of squirrels and/or armadillos and is presented here for entertainment purposes and/or filler material during slow months. Actual consumption of Buck's recipes may or not cause 1. Upper gastrointestinal failure, 2. Liver failure, 3. Bladder incontinence, 4. A belief system which includes the possibility of 8 foot tall termites from Andromeda harvesting the earth's wood products and enslaving the human race.